


The Great Cat Fight Of The Wizards

by BlackTeaAddict



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: AU where everyone is alive except for Thanos, BAMF Loki (Marvel), Civil War is cancelled, Crack, Domestic, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gen, I don't like Doctor Strange but I love his cape, Loki The Sassmaster Supreme, Loki is the Drama Queen, M/M, Magic, Secret Relationship, The Battle of Sass and Magic, Tony is a clueless dolt when it comes to expressing his feelings, Tony is the Drama Queen, my hopefully not misaimed attempt at the humour, or at least they made up because they all live together in avengers HQ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 17:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15912861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackTeaAddict/pseuds/BlackTeaAddict
Summary: Loki and Wanda had apparently become best friends lately. Tony decides to get himself his own magically-gifted best friend. He chooses Doctor Strange. Loki is far from happy.“You have your witch friend and I wanted to have one too.”“So you mingled with this magically inept scoundrel.”“That’s only fair.”“No, Stark. You have the Spiderling, I have the Witchling. You have your young apprentice, I’ve got mine. This,” he pointed with a dagger at Strange, “is not fair.”Aka the fanfic I wrote because I wanted Loki to kick Doctor Strange’s ass.





	The Great Cat Fight Of The Wizards

**Author's Note:**

> I am forever salty about the way MCU treated Loki and his magic and down powered him more and more from movie to movie, and his best move is basically a clumsy attack with the daggers. And I’m salty about Strange and how easily he, a relative magical newbie and a mortal, overpowered a goddamned god with hundreds of years of training with magic. So I wrote this fic. I've mainly written it for Loki to even the score, but actually whoops some tiny, silly plot happened and some little Frostiron drama and here we are.
> 
> Also this is kind of a throwback to ye olde happy times when most of the fics were about the Avengers living together and suddenly Loki moving in with them and no Thanos drama. Because I needed all the characters (except Strange) living together.
> 
> Also I love Peter and Wanda so they got casted in supporting roles in this fic :p
> 
> I’m sorry (but not really) if Strange’s magic is a bit inaccurate, I haven’t seen his solo movie, only the Infinity War (but MCU wikia is my best friend xD)

 

Tony couldn’t focus on creating his new Mark armor. For the past few weeks he’s grown so used to the presence of certain Norse God of Mischief, that the sudden solitude was unnerving. He constantly caught himself in the urge of wanting to say something to Loki, stopping mid-sentence realizing he’s alone. He really missed their constant banters about magic and science, often resulting in Tony getting many new ideas for his inventions. Fuck, he even missed the way Loki casually strolled around the lab, randomly knocking various tools off the tables, like a big asshole cat, when Tony didn’t pay him enough attention.

It’s not like their weird “secret fuck buddies slash science partners slash whatever that was” relationship has ended completely. Loki was still a regular visitor in his bedroom, he just seemed to grow bored of their little scientific disputes. And Tony knew the exact reason why.

Loki had a new science partner. Or rather a magic partner? He has recently befriended Wanda. The two started spending hours a day together, locked in Wanda’s room, practicing their hexes, Florence + the Machine blasting through the door. The logical part of Tony’s brain could understand that Loki was very happy to finally talk with someone who really got that whole mumbo jumbo. And surely Wanda was more than happy to find someone with similar powers to hers, who could teach her how to control her magic better. But it didn’t stop Tony’s heart from feeling really lonely.

What was the worst, Peter also didn’t spend as much time with him as before. He was still a frequent guest at the Avengers HQ, but started spending a lot of the time with the two witches and apparently become a honorary member of the little coven.

One evening, when Tony crawled out from his lab for a moment just to grab a few cold pizza slices from the kitchen, he spotted the trio sitting in a circle on a floor in the living room.

“Peter, I see you got into bad company,” Tony said in passing. “Mingling with the witches. You’d better pray aunt May won’t hear about this.”

Later that night, though it could possibly be closer to an early morning, on his way from the lab to his bedroom, Tony suddenly got pinned face first to the wall.

“Mingling with the witches.” He heard a breathy chuckle, right behind his ear. “Oh, Anthony, you don’t set up a very good example for the young Peter. Or having your mouth stuffed full with sorcerer’s cock does not count as mingling?”

“Well, uh, actually Peter doesn’t know about us, so your argument kinda missed the point. And I was just joking.”

The rest of the night Tony indeed spent intimately mingling with one specific witch, but when he woke up the next morning Loki was gone and Tony hadn’t seen him for the whole day.

And sure, the idea of spending time with them three had briefly crossed Tony’s mind, but he had quickly come to the conclusion that he completely wouldn't fit into this whole sabbath thing and he suspected his presence would just make the whole atmosphere get really awkward. Especially considering the fact that his relationship with Wanda, now his kinda daughter-in-law, while not hostile any more, was still far from close friendship and both of them would just feel really uncomfortable.

As spending time with them three was no option, Tony made a plan how to at least make himself cool again in the eyes of Peter. He needed to befriend a sorcerer too. A good thing was he already new one, currently residing in New York. And maybe as a bonus it will make Loki a little bit jealous.

 

***

 

The doors to the living room opened with a loud bang and Tony paraded inside, dragging Doctor Strange along. Loki, Wanda and Peter were sitting at the table, carving out something on a tiny pebbles, the sudden noise drawing their attention. Peter looked simply surprised, Wanda sighed audibly and facepalmed. Loki, though...

“You fucking asshole” he hissed, glaring at Tony, his hand clenching tighter around the dagger.

“I love you too, Lolo.”

“Oh my god, I knew it!” shouted Peter.

Tony threw him a slightly panicked stare. “What? Oh, Peter, I didn’t mean that literally. Obviously. It was sarcastic, you know.”

Peter just rolled his eyes. “Oh, don’t bother, Mr Stark,” he said with a wave of his hand.

Huh. Ok. So Tony guessed he and Loki were kinda out from now on. Well, that went easier than he expected. No big deal. Loki didn’t even seem to notice anything, too busy with trying to kill Strange with his stare only. Jesus, Tony wished he’ll never ever find himself as a recipient of such stare.

“So, uh… Busy making friendship bracelets, I see.” Tony gestured to the pile of leather strings and small stone trinkets laying on the table. “Cool. A little bit vintage. But still cool.”

Loki stuck his dagger into a table. “What is this sad excuse for a wizard doing here?” he snarled.

“Oh, so you guys know each other? Good. Saves the whole hassle of introductions.”

“Oh yes, I had that doubtful pleasure of meeting Mister Weird before.”

“It’s Doctor Strange,” Stephen corrected him.

Loki just glared at Strange. Tony really hadn’t expect Loki to be so furious. A little bit of jealousy, sure. But this? Tony gulped audibly.

“So, ah, he’s my new friend,” said Tony, voice a little unsure. “We’re the Awesome Facial Hair Bros.”

“Awesome. Facial. Hair. Bros.” Loki spat every word with a disgust. “This is the worst name I’ve ever heard. And, keep that in mind, I’ve had the questionable honour to hear about The Revengers. And...” Loki pulled the dagger out of the table. “Did you just say ‘a new friend’?” He stood up, his chair creaking loudly, and started to approach Tony.

“Uh, yeah, brand new- oof!” Loki grabbed Tony by the collar, lifted him up and carried him across the room. “You know, Lo, my T-shirts are not a big fan of how you carry me around like that.” Loki unceremoniously dropped him on the ground.

“What is the meaning of this, Stark?”

“Oh, so we’re back to ‘Stark’ now?”

“What game are you playing with me?” Loki pointed the dagger at Tony’s face.

“Could you, um, put that down, sweetheart?”

“Don’t you fucking sweetheart me, Stark!” The tip of the dagger touched his nose.

“Loki, please, calm down.” Loki huffed but moved the dagger away a bit. “Listen, babe, the thing is you have your witch friend and I wanted to have one too.”

Loki grimaced with disgust. “So you mingled with this _magically inept scoundrel_?” he spat out.

“That’s only fair.”

“No, Stark. You have the Spiderling, I have the Witchling. You have your young apprentice, I’ve got mine. This,” he pointed with a dagger at Strange, “is not fair.”

“To be honest, you kinda stole my young apprentice.”

Loki chuckled. “Oh, it’s hardly my fault that my magic is more interesting than yours, Stark.”

“Hey!”

“I am filling for a divorce,” Loki stated flatly, all smile gone from his face.

“What? But we’re not even married.”

“Then I’m going to marry you and then divorce you!”

“Can I at least count on a wedding night between the two?” Tony wiggled his eyebrows at Loki.

“Stark, you horny dolt, you only think about sex.”

“Me? It’s you who only visits me for a quick fuck!”

“Alright, today, darling, you’re sleeping on the couch.”

“What? You can’t throw me out of my own bed!”

Loki moved his face closer to Tony’s and looked him straight in the eye. “Then I’m going to take over this puny realm overnight,” Loki growled, “and then every single bed will belong to me.”

“Loki, listen…”

They heard Doctor Strange clear his throat loudly. Only now they realized the awkwardness in the room that arose with their little fight.

Strange took in a deep breath. “So, ah, I heard you have a little coven here,” he said. “What is your main occupation? Love potions?”

Wanda sent Strange a cold stare. “Oh, yes. We’re mostly busy with hexing the hearts of poor, unaware boys. So if you’ll suffer a heart attack in the near future, it’s probably us.”

“Yeah,” said Peter. “We do only serious witch business here, Mr Strange.”

“Ah, my precious students,” said Loki, putting a hand to his heart, “in moments like these you make my cold, empty heart swell with pride and joy. And that’s right, you scumbag,” hissed Loki, glaring back at Strange, “I have no idea what kind of rubbish Stark told you, but we most certainly _don’t fuck around_.”

“Oh, Loki, I see you’re in quite a foul mood today,” said Strange. “Hey Tony, if you need my help in taming your boyfriend, just let me know.” He gave Tony a wink.

Tony flinched in indignation. “What the fuck, Strange?”

“Oh, didn’t Loki tell you that funny story about how I sent him on a little trip through my portals?” Doctor Strange chuckled. “He’s been falling for 30 minutes.”

“What the fuck?” Tony turned his head and looked at Loki. “What is he talking about?”

“Oh, I can make you a little presentation right now.”

Doctor Strange conjured a portal right under Loki’s feet, but the god only sighed loudly and waved his hand, making the portal disperse, apparently without much effort. The cocky smile disappeared from Strange’s face, his eyebrow lifting up in surprise.

“Don’t you think,” said Loki, with a malicious smile on his face, “it would be a little bit difficult to do your pathetic, little presentation with the blood gushing out of your neck?” Loki hurled the dagger he was holding, but Strange opened two portals, one in front of his own face and the other one right behind him, so the dagger bypassed his head and sank into the wall behind him.

Strange snorted a laughter. “I think you missed.”

“Ah, no, I was merely putting this one aside,” said Loki. “This one, however, is just for you.”

Loki flicked his his hand and conjured another dagger out of thin air, right in front of Strange, the tip pointing at his throat. Strange took a step to the side, but the dagger floating in the air followed. He tried to send the dagger away through one of his portals, but it reappeared even closer to his neck and then another two daggers appeared on each side of his head, locking him in place.

“Could you not fidget for a while?” asked Loki. “I have to decide if I’d rather gouge out your eyes or carve your heart out of your chest.”

Tony gently put hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Loki, remember, no killing.”

“Ah, alright, gouging out the eyes then.”

“Loki!”

“What? He can survive without his eyes.” Tony’s stare was unyielding. Loki sighed and rolled his eyes. “Ah, Stark, must you always spoil all the fun?”

Meanwhile, Strange opened a portal right behind himself and quickly jumped into it, escaping Loki’s daggers, and resurfaced near the sofa.

Loki huffed, visibly annoyed. “If I may suggest you something, Sir Different,” he snarled. “Why don’t you just open one of your fancy portals, put your head inside - just your head - and then close it. Or at least jump through the one to some distant dimension and never come back.”

Strange glared at Loki and sent a portal in his direction. Loki waved his hand again, dispersing the portal with no problem, and rolled his eyes. “Will you stop that? It’s getting really annoying. And please, don’t look so shocked. You could surprise me once, but now you need to try a little harder than that.” Another portal opened right behind Loki, but he once again dissipated it, without even turning his head, and sighed. “Is that really the best you can you?”

“Oh, it’s still better than you throwing your designer set of cutlery at me,” said Strange. “And don’t worry, I’m just getting started.”

Strange created a dozens of his duplicates. Loki shot him a contemptuous stare, conjured his own clone right behind Strange and swatted him on the back of his head. “You just unnecessarily waste your magic, why make so many clones when a single, well-placed one is easily enough?”

The Magical Flying Cloak suddenly lifted up and swiftly smacked Loki’s clone through the face. Loki and Tony both sucked in an offended gasp.

“Did your cape just bitch-slap Loki?!” shouted Tony.

Doctor Strange smirked, opened another portal and jumped inside, but Loki already had conjured a wooden column waiting for Strange to walk into in his future destination. He smacked himself into it face first and fell back through the portal. Tony heard Peter’s chuckle coming from behind. He turned around to see Peter filming the whole fight with his Stark Phone. Oh, the little nerd.

Doctor Strange got up from the floor and his hands glowed once again.

Loki clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “Ah, I would not do that.”

“Do what?” asked Strange, his voice a little strained.

“Don’t drop that sofa on my head, it’s Anthony’s favourite. And yes, in case you didn’t realize that yet, I can sense the place where you want to open your puny portals.”

“Well, how about that, you rascal!” Doctor Strange flicked his hand and all Loki’s clothes turned into a pink dress.

Loki looked down at his new attire and lifted his eyebrows. “That’s so… unoriginal.”

“I don’t think pink is really your color,” said Tony.

“Me too. Mister Weird is mediocre wizard, but an even worse stylist.” Loki shook his head in contempt, then changed back his clothes and cleared his throat. “Alright, Mr Master of the Mystic Farts…”

“ _Arts._ ” Strange corrected him, but Loki just rolled his eyes and continued.

“I have not the slightest intention to just waste away my time watching you show off the basic spells for the rest of your life until you’ll grow old and die. So let’s end this once and for all.”

“Oh yes, it’s about time to dive into serious business.”

Glowing circles appeared around Strange’s hands and Tony felt the whole room shake. Suddenly the two sorcerers got separated by a red, transparent wall.

“Maybe you should take the fight outside,” said Wanda, “before you’ll level the whole building.”

“Oh, that’s an excellent idea,” said Strange and Wanda made the barrier disappear. “I know just the right place.” His hands glowed orange but suddenly, to his great surprise, the circles around his palms flickered and faded away.

“Another portal? This is getting really boring,” said Loki and raised his hand, lifting helpless Strange, apparently completely unable to cast any spell anymore, a few feet above the floor. “And there’s no need to relocate, dear Witchling, my fight with Professor Peculiar is all but over.” Loki snapped his fingers. Strange disappeared in a puff of golden dust and a frog plopped down on the floor. The Cloak, however, stayed in place, untouched by the spell. The frog started jumping up furiously.

Tony snorted. “You turned him into a frog.”

“Ah, good, old classic,” said Loki with a smug face.

The Cloak scooped up Strange from the floor and carried him over to Loki. Strange croaked angrily, pointing one tiny frog hand at Loki.

“Excuse me, but I can’t speak Frog.” Loki had the biggest self-satisfied grin Tony had ever seen in his life. “Don’t worry, the spell will wear off in an hour. Or a year.” Loki shrugged. “Who knows.” Strange croaked louder.

“I would advise you,” said Tony, “to stay away from any French restaurants for a while.”

From close up Tony could see that Strange still had his trademark facial hair on his green frog face. Strange croaked one last time and, cradled in his Cloak, flew out of the room.

“I saw you’ve left the beard,” said Tony. “It’s a nice touch.”

“Well, I have hundreds years of practice,” said Loki.

“How many times did you change Thor into a frog?”

“Honestly, I’ve lost count.”

“Could he still lift the hammer?”

Loki laughed. “It was twice his size but yes, he could lift it and chase me around with it for the rest of the day.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “However, our mother was always afraid he’s going to squish himself.”

Peter stopped filming and run over to Loki to give him a high-five. “That was awesome, Mr Loki.”

Wanda walked over to them and also gave Loki a high-five. “Strange looks better as a frog,” she said and Loki snorted with laughter. “But now we’re going to leave you two alone because I think one of you has some explaining to do.”

“Mr Stark, I hope you won’t get changed into a frog too!” Peter shouted just before he and Wanda left the room.

Tony gave Loki and awkward smile. “Ah, I’m sure even if you did, you would just turn me back with a kiss a moment later, right?”

“My spells don’t work like that,” said Loki.

Tony cleared his throat. “Ah, listen, sweetheart, I’d have never brought Strange here, if I knew about what he did to you. But, you know, it’s not like you told me anything and he’s the only other sorcerer I know. And I’m unfamiliar with all those wizard gossips, I’m practically just a muggle.”

“A what?”

Tony rolled his eyes. “Non-magical person. It’s from _Harry Potter_ , you need to finally read these books. I swear you’re a textbook Slytherin.” Loki frowned in confusion but didn’t ask any more questions. “So, ah, anyway, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not even that mad at you any more.” A genuine smile appeared on Loki’s face. “If you hadn’t bring him here, then I would not have the unquestionable satisfaction of turning this scoundrel into a frog.” Loki pressed a soft kiss to Tony’s cheek. “But you know, I have nothing against you apologizing to me in bed tonight anyway.”

Tony wrapped his arms around Loki’s waist and pulled him closer. “Well, I have nothing against that either.”

 

***

 

The next morning Tony woke up, rolled on his other side and saw a mop of black hair sticking out from under the duvet. He smiled, pleasantly surprised to see Loki still sleeping on the other side of the bed.

Tony reached for the phone on his night stand to check the news and messages. He had two from Peter. One had a link to the news article about a frog and a sentient cape spotted in a New York City Subway. Apparently Strange couldn’t open portals in his frog form and had to take a public transport to get to his home. Tony chuckled, he never suspected the wizards had their own equivalent of the walk of shame.

The other message directed him to the youtube video of the fight, uploaded by Peter. Tony snickered at the title. _The Great Cat Fight of the Wizards_. It already had 10,000 views. Tony scrolled down to read the comments.

 

> _omg spidey that’s some quality material_

> _do you plan to make a live shows maybe? this would be really awesome_

> _why did they stop just when the fight was finally getting serious? a bummer_  
>>> _dude why would loki waste his time for such a lousy wizard?_ _  
_ >>> _yeah man i too was expecting something epic with huge explosions or something :/_

> _hey strange is awesome stop the hate_ _  
_ >>> _he’s a pathetic show-off_

> _awwww what a cute froggy_

> _loki <3 _

> _lame wizard, cool cape_

> _are we really forgetting loki attacked new york?_ _  
_ >>> _i heard he smashed buildings because his father was distant_

> _gay_

> _omg i met doctor frog on the subway yesterday_

> _hahaha strange is the worst stylist, his magic robes are so last season_  
>>> _if strange’s robes are last season then loki’s are ancient_  
>>> _hey loki 80s called and want their rock star leather pants back_  
>>> _so you guys tell me that axl rose started wearing those lame white shorts because loki stole his leather slacks?_ _  
_ >>> _you morons leather never goes out of fashion_

 

Tony felt a kick to his shins.

“Shut up, Stark,” mumbled Loki. “I can’t sleep because of your cackling.”

Tony tapped Loki on a shoulder. “Hey, babe, you need to see this.” Loki lifted his head up and gave him a murderous glare.

“What can be more important than my sleep?”

“You’re famous on youtube.”

Tony turned the phone screen so Loki could see the video. He blinked a few times, still a little bit drowsy, but when his mind finally cleared up, a wide smile appeared on his face. He laughed at some comments, then his face suddenly got stern. He grabbed the pillow and smacked Tony in the face.

“I still can’t believe you wanted to be friends with this incompetent swank.”

“Well, he’s not that incompetent, you know. He can magic up a beer, a very handy trick for a friend to have.”

Loki closed his eyes and shook his head. “I swear, you humans are impressed way to easily.” He smacked Tony with the pillow one more time.

“Hey! Didn’t you say you’re not angry with me?”

“I was wrong.”

“I told you he’s the only other wizard I know. So I didn’t have much choice?”

“But… you already have me?”

“Well, ah, not really… any more? Like, I know you’re busy with teaching kids and all that stuff, but… ah…” Tony dropped his gaze. “I kind of miss your visits in my lab, you know. And... ah... I don’t know, I tried to make you jealous a bit maybe? So… ah… but maybe you’ll sometimes find a moment to drop by? That would be nice. Like the old times.”

When all the answer he got was a prolonged silence, he reluctantly looked at Loki, only to find him completely stupefied, staring at Tony with wide open eyes.

“You miss my little visits?” asked Loki. “But I only went down to the lab to mock your backward human magic, I thought you’re grateful I’m not disturbing you in your work any more.”

“Disturbing? What? No! I got so many new ideas from our little arguments! I love them! But, you know, you don’t really have to say anything, you can just come and sit down and read a book or something.”

“Oh, please, you wouldn't let me read a single page with your constant chattering.”

Tony laughed softly. “You’re probably right. So? Can I count for some other visits than the ones to my bedroom?”

“Anthony, you’re such an idiot sometimes. But, yes, you can.”

Loki put his arms around Tony’s neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

 

 


End file.
